Must have long arms

Watching the Geico commercial where the gecko brings his new neighbors a tiny plate of cookies. Wondering how he rang the doorbell.

In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream...

Working at the restaurant, the men are chattering away in Chinese and I'm contemplating how much this stapler resembles the creature in the movie, Alien...

 

She's pretty hot

"Flaming Girl" Buffet is not the visual you really want in a restaurant but it is kinda funny.

 

Simply Marvel-less

Doctor Who and the T.A.R.D.I.S posted a What Is Your Marvel Name? multiple choice on fb and here are some of the comical results, complete with illustrations:

 

Danger, Will Robinson!

I was reading some product packaging which warned not to use the product if you can't see well enough to read the instructions. That's probably good advice but if you can't see well enough to read the instructions, why would they expect you to be able to read the warning? 

Anticlimax?

October weirdness - "The Only Thing More Terrifying Than The Last 12 Minutes Of This Film Are The First 80." So, what you're saying is, the last 12 minutes are LESS scary than what came before them...

When did you say that was?

My friend at the library was going to take out the movie, "Yesterday" but gave it to me to watch first. I texted her to ask if she'd be there tomorrow so I could give it back to her. I started typing, "I can bring "Yesterday" with me tomorrow..." but was thrown off by ripples in space-time.

What's in a name?

When you work with someone who isn't great at remembering names:

Him: Is that Eric's order?

Me: I don't know. Who's Eric?

Him: The guy who was just here.

Me: Brian?

 

Less than five minutes later, watching a regular customer get out of his car:

Him: What's his name? Tony or Steve?

Me: Jim.

Him: Are you sure it's not Tony?

Me: Yes. Not Tony, not Steve, not Brian, not Eric. Jim.

Him: Yes, I know.

Me:

 

You can get a grant for anything these days

I was looking at the online television guide and came across tonight's episode of Nature entitled, A Squirrel's Guide to Success. I couldn't get past the first sentence of the description, "The top squirrel scientists in the world make groundbreaking discoveries..." After I got past the mental image of rodents in lab coats and glasses, I thought, I'm sorry, what? There are squirrel scientists??

I'm a doctor, not a mechanic!

Good evening, Trekkers. What seems to be the nature of the medical emergency? Apparently, the doctor travels old school these days.

Big Brother is watching

Three years ago or so, we were told to hang tags from our cars' rearview mirrors to prove that we're entitled to park where I live. When I picked up my tags, I specifically asked who's responsible for monitoring their use. I was told we (the residents) were. So, essentially, no one. Sometimes I remembered to hang mine, sometimes I didn't. Until today, when I received a notice of non-compliance in the mail from the homeowners' association and the threat of fines if I don't remedy the violation. Seriously? My neighbors know my car. Clearly, so does the association. How else would they know who wasn't complying?

Spatial recognition

Customer: I'm going to put this right in my pocket.
Me: Will it fit?
Customer: No.

There must be someone

Saw a sign advertising a "Huge Kids Sale". It made me wonder where they found enough huge kids to sell. Then I wondered who would buy them. Then I started singing, "Who Will Buy?" from the movie, "Oliver!"

My street was on fire

Me: Is (my street) still on fire?

Police dispatcher, in an exasperated monotone: The street wasn't on fire, ma'am. There's a wire down.

Me: Oh. I saw flames coming from the street.

Dispatcher, in the same monotone: That's what happens when there's a wire down, ma'am.

Y'all come back now, hear?

The electronic sign outside the middle school says WELCOME but the driveway is blocked with construction barrels and CAUTION tape. That about sums it up.

Can you hear me now?

Dad: You're going to have to talk louder or I'll have to put in my hearing aids.

Me: I didn't know you had hearing aids. I'm glad you got them.

Dad: Yeah, they're in the bedroom.

Me: What are they doing in the bedroom?

Dad: What?

 

MiB at the DMV

When I went to Motor Vehicles, I noticed the patch on the security guard's uniform, which read, "Universal Protection Security". I asked him if he really protects the entire universe. He said, "Yeah. Well, me and another guy." I said that was an awful lot of responsibility for two guys. He replied, "It is but, you know, that's the job. We're like the Men in Black." (Which is exactly what I was thinking.) I asked how they handled all those millions of time zones. He shrugged and said he only handled this one and the other guy handled all the rest. I remarked that it seemed terribly unfair and he said, "He's the junior guy. That's just how it is." I said, "So, he's Will Smith." He laughed. "Yeah, he's Will Smith."

A clean diet

I don't know exactly how I came across an article about the worst customers at Whole Foods but this entry gave me a much-needed giggle.

"The self-serve soap-cutting table is not full of candy, it is full of soap. Do not eat the soap. Why do you always eat the soap?!"

Ignorance is bliss

The Boy, after telling me about the time and resources his boss has been investing in him: "He said he'd rather have someone dependable on his crew who knows relatively little than someone with a lot of experience who can't be counted on. So, apparently, I have a reputation for not knowing anything."

Directionally challenged

There's a commercial in which the woman says, "Eat right, not less." For a second, I heard, "Eat right, not left," before my brain said, Oh. Right.