Directionally challenged

There's a commercial in which the woman says, "Eat right, not less." For a second, I heard, "Eat right, not left," before my brain said, Oh. Right.

Misery loves company

Two women walked into the restaurant on Saturday night. I greeted them and the first woman looked at me and said, "You look familiar." The second woman said, "You look like that actress. You know, the one that was in that movie about the writer where she, you know, hurt his legs." I said, "Yes, I know. Kathy Bates." The first woman said, "You DO look like Kathy Bates!"
As they were leaving after their meal, the first woman said, "Goodbye, Miss Bates." The second one said, "Don't tie us up!" I gave her an adoring smile and gushed, "I'm your biggest fan," at which point her smile faded and she ran out the door.