Losing stuff

Tiff mails things without copying them or noting enclosures in a cover letter and then can't find them (possibly because they're no longer in the file). Naturally, her boss can't find them, either.

Today, she leaned towards me and said in a conspiratorial whisper, "He's been losing an awful lot of stuff, lately." I just shook my head.

Tiff: "The Uniform Loan Application wouldn't be the Note, would it?"
Me: "No. It would be the Uniform Loan Application."
Tiff: "What about the Loan Approval?"
Me: "That would be the Loan Approval."

It's hard to believe that I really have these conversations but, sadly, I do.

Maybe it's me

Maybe I'm just intolerant. I'm the kind of person who cringes when people lose the "v" in "voila" and say "walah" or say "new-kyew-lar" instead of "nuclear." (Say, "new". Say, "clear". Now, say, "nuclear". Wasn't that easy?) So, what do I do so that it doesn't bother me every time Tiff says, "Okay, José," instead of, "No way, José," which is at least two dozen times a day? It's not as if the woman was butchering a quote from great literature. It's not even a significant part of speech. (She does also butcher English. Another of her favorite sayings is, "Seek and thou shall find." It's not important enough for me to correct her and explain that it's, "Seek and ye shall find.") Besides, she'd just tell me the same thing she always tells me when I try to help her, "Who cares? It doesn't matter." That goes equally for, "Yes, they need the original of that document, not a copy," and "You put the paper in the fax machine upside-down." "It doesn't matter. Nobody cares." I beg to differ.

I never heard of that!

I baked brownies for someone's birthday. Tiffy asked how I made them.

"I have a recipe."
"Duncan Hines?"
"Not a box, a recipe."
"You mean, from scratch?"
"Yes."
"I never heard of that!"
"You never heard of anyone baking brownies from scratch?"
"No, never! I mean, where do you get the chocolate from?" (That one gave me pause.)
"Cocoa powder or chocolate chips."
"You ground up the chocolate chips yourself???"
"No, I melted them."
"You melted them??? I never *heard* of that! You know, I made a Duncan Hines cake once. It was really delicious but my boyfriend and I had the most horrible nightmares that night."
You have now entered....The Twilight Zone.

Gender blur

Tiffy answered a phone call today from her boss' son. He has one of those temporary is-it-a-teenage-boy-or-a-woman voices, calls once a month or so and always says the same thing, "This is Matt. Is my dad there?" My son, on the other hand, calls almost every day, sounds like a man and is not named Matt. Finally, I do not look or sound like a man (in case you were wondering).

Bearing all this in mind, why on earth would Tiff put Matt on hold and tell me that *my* son is on the phone? I took a deep breath and reminded her that Matt was her boss' son and it is genetically impossible for me to be anyone's father. Her response?

"Ohhhhh, I was wondering why he called you his dad!"